The Game
By,
Amber Campbell

I dreamt of a game
Kind of like the game between you and I
A push and shove game
In which we never grow above
In it I could see you
And of course you could not see me
Because even in dreams
That just couldn't be
Your thoughts were hidden in one place
One little disk in one little case
And in it contained everything
I ever wanted to know
Ever yearned for
This was you, your core
You were sitting at a table with her
Eating your dinner, having your fun
When I saw that my heart
Just wanted to run
Right out of my chest
And snuff itself out on the side of a road
My life felt dead, oh so cold
You showed no emotion
And I never could tell
Your feelings in till you got to screams and yells
So I had to see that disk
I felt no remorse
In taking a quick glimpse into you
Like a guide to your game
And I let my own primitive feelings take course
In the distance they were counseling me
With words and words
And yet inside
The ache would never decide
Where to go what to do
And it wouldn't go away
I went back to you
To deal with such surprise
Instant misery and my demise
She asked you a question
To bind you to her
And I knew you'd concur
I couldn't hear anymore
And between the feathers of white and red
Stood the horrible lies and the dread
And my disbelief
My jealousy stood in a light background
Of me paling all around
And the feathers whipped through me
And abused me
And every tortured part
I couldn't see part of her question
I didn't wait to see your answer
And the feathers stayed in my mind
To remind me of a time
Where I'd wish I were her
Did she love you?
The way I had?
And could she love you...
Enough to drive you mad?
It's those who hurt you
That can bring happiness back in
But looking at your indifferent face
That would never be the case
And behind stood the anger
Always outdone by the depression
And it boiled as it does now
In this confession
I wondered why
You could love her
I wondered why
She was so much better
Did she take you to bed?
To keep your libido well fed?
My control was gone
It was spent with this torment
What did she do to pry you open?
What did she do to replace
The years of loving I'd felt for you?
How did she take off your blindfold?
That kept you from seeing me?
How did she unlock your heart?
That you always kept from me?
And how could you do this?
It all hit me like a fist
All this eruption
This corruption
In my insides
How could you throw me?
Around like a toy?
How could you call yourself?
Anything but a tiny boy?
How could you do this, do this to me?
I had only cared and only loved
And yet you always chose not to see
I only was the person sitting in the corners
I only was that rug you stepped on to
Rub some more anguish on someone else
Does it give you a sense of self?
I don't understand
Why is pleases you to bring my temper
My longing, prolonging
My end
And I don't understand
How they say if you truly love someone
They'll have to notice and somehow love you back
How can they say that?
It just isn't true
It's all a lie
Based on cases so few
And I felt disgust
At this wasted trust
And again I was used
And yet after all you've done
How many times you've come
And destroyed me
I'd get back up
And just my luck
I'd die
To save you
And I don't know what's worse
This pain or this love
It's all a curse
It won't go away
Not even fray
To give me some breathing room
And I'll love you
Even in memory
Because I'd confided in you
And to be beside you
Made all the problems go away
And you were perfect
And me so not
And you were always better than me
And you have my heart
And it'll never be free
Even after you drop it to the ground
And push it all around
It'll come back to you
Because it doesn't know what to do
And in reflection its hardness is new
With this rejection
So I'll cover myself in layers of ice
I'll fill myself with thoughts of revenge
And such spite
I'll do this all
So I don't break
When I'm at your turbulent wake
And I'll be cold
I'll be bold
But always something different within
But for curiosity sake
I needed to see, to take
That disk once more
To answer questions
I had at my own core
Thoughts swirling I needed to know
I needed to end this
So I could grow
I needed to get over this
End all this
And seal it with a goodbye kiss
So I stole
That precious thing of yours
To find out for myself
How you work
You kept yourself so closed up
Where did your needs lurk?
But my dream
This game
Ended its session
Without me finding any truths
It left me frantic, jealous
And about to spew out
Spew out this anger
This jealousy
This rage
This love within me
This passion for you
This yearning
For the learning of
You
And when I woke
My spirits had fell
From the low low perch
They usually dwell
To the muck
The dirt
And I feel right at home in this grime
You always had made me feel this way
Because loving you was a crime
Being myself was worth a death sentence
I'm only incompetence to you
And I went outside
To wake from this pain
And it was sunny
And yet there was rain
It started to hail
And I felt my heart again flail
Because I could never escape this
I can put on a smile
Just for a while
But it all remains the same
I can act different
To save myself
The conflict
But inside
My agony is lit
So when it rains it pours
When every one else is so utopian
I'm the flaw, and no more
And it all comes down
In a cloud all around
That's been following me
Since you decided to start that game
Which hasn't ended